Lazy Little Bitch Contest Is Still Open

I hope you’ve picked out your turkey and your secret shame to drunkenly reveal to your family, because Thanksgiving is almost here. And don’t let the fact that there’s nothing to be thankful for this year stop you from celebrating. After all, this generation’s defining trait is irony.

In “world coming to an end” news, researchers have discovered another icy thing melting. Jesus Christ… it’s every other week with this shit. The planet is melting; boohoo. Save it for a species that gives a fuck.

Congratulations to the Yankees on another World Series title. They have moved one step closer to justifying their payroll. Now all they have to do is cure cancer, reverse global warming, go back in time to kill Hitler, and definitively prove whether or not there’s a God. Get to work, Bombers!

For the first time in 27 years, an American won the NYC marathon last week. This makes me feel a great sense of pride I usually only feel when I realize every American that isn’t that guy is obese. U – S – A! U – S – Oh man, I’m out of breath.

The 3-D update of the holiday classic “A Christmas Carol” was just released. Between the state-of-the-art motion capture technology and 3-D format this was the most engrossing film experience I’ve ever had. The only thing missing was the smell of Hollywood executives throwing stacks and stacks of original screenplays on a fire.

Mel Gibson and his girlfriend recently welcomed a baby girl into their family. Much has been made of Gibson’s recent exploits, so he wanted to clear up right away any confusion regarding how he would be raising his daughter. She is going to be an alcoholic Jew-hater. Awww, she’s got her father’s hate. Precious.

Sandra Bullock and husband Jesse James are in a custody battle for James’ 5-year-old daughter with James’ ex, a former adult film star. The judge on the case is still trying to decide who would be less damaging for the child: a woman who got covered with jizz for a living, or the woman who made the Miss Congeniality movies?

If you haven’t already signed up for the T-Shirt Hell contest, what are you waiting for? They have enough unique styles and designs to upset almost anyone, even Taylor Swift. Head on over there.